It's funny how the most random things have such power to manipulate emotions. Maybe it's my current state of mind, or of heart, but in the past few months I finally understood how life truly turns into a rollercoaster ride at some point. It's been frustrating knowing that one little thing can trigger an unexpected flow of tears, but at the same time inspiring to know that the smallest gestures, by myself or others, can instantly turn it around and keep me positive again. Today it was staying up to catch the sun rise, hearing Petra Haden's Moon River (I'd never heard a woman, save for myself in the shower, sing it before), and realizing that my favorite time of year is just a couple of months away, that propelled my day to a good start. Praise God for the little things.
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I've grown averse to negative feelings. Anger, hurt, disappointment--these feelings never threatened me as much as they do now. I'd always taken pride in being transparent, in unabashedly showing what and how I feel without fear. But now it surprises me to discover just how much effort I put into fighting these feelings, just how fearful I am of seeming vulnerable or weak. This just isn't me.
I pray that soon, I can channel all these feelings into something productive, even if it manifests itself into a simple, cohesive blog entry.
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